Alexandra Petri Quotes

  • Once, as my New Year's Resolution, I telephoned the Extenze Male Enhancement hotline every day for a month.
  • Forced to confront a reptile or an international financial crisis, I'll take the reptile every time.
  • Good laughs melt out of memory pretty quickly.
  • All that time that we spend tweeting our thoughts and emotions to our next of kin, we could be writing the great American novel, starting a business, or just living.
  • In society at large, nerds are law-abiding, caring, fundamentally good folk who keep the wheels of civilization grinding.
  • My goal is to be weirder than everybody else and hope that no one stops me. So far, no one has.
  • History contains heroes, but no one is a hero entirely, and no one is a hero for very long.
  • When police are shutting down cameras, it is a sign that they know the truth is not going to be kind to them.
  • People feel compelled to continue reading and hearing the news. Sometimes, you just want somebody to be yelling at it with you as you're reading it. I think of that as my function.
  • Woodstock didn't define a generation because everyone showed up or those who did were a perfectly representative sample. It defined a generation because, for a few days, it bottled its peculiar zeitgeist.
  • At college, everyone's milestones occurred in shared clumps. Everyone studied, caroused, won, lost - simultaneously. Life is not like that.
  • Worst case scenario, nothing I do has any value or purpose, but if I can make someone laugh, I'm at least as useful as a piece of quiche would be.
  • One of the things I try to do - and I always regret when I'm not doing it - is I try to read as much as possible as I'm consuming news.
  • At Harvard, where students tend to respond to real-world celebrities with the vague sense that they could do a better job themselves, the recipe for celebrity is complex.
  • Snow is like a manic pixie dream girl: fun and whimsical when you encounter it only through the barrier of a movie screen - but absolute misery to have to put up with in real life.
  • You do not get gold stars for cleaning your toilet. In actual life, there is a depressing lack of stickers.
  • Millennials give comics the kind of adulation past generations reserved for musicians. We respect Lady Gaga. But we'll travel hundreds of miles to touch the hem of Jon Stewart's robe.
  • The difference between face-to-face conversation and any other medium of communication is simple: No distractions are permitted.
  • My first summer in college, I interned for Arena Stage in D.C. and taught a disastrous class on standup comedy to middle schoolers at the Arena Stage camp. I had never taught anything before, and needless to say, I quickly lost control of the class.
  • I tend to process stuff by making jokes about it. It's something that makes me annoying to be around in times of real crisis.