Norm MacDonald Quotes

  • I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
  • I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end, you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
  • I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
  • In theatres, you're kind of disconnected. Also, it's way too big for the likes of me. Unless you're Robin Williams or someone that can fill a stage with movement and energy, it just looks like a small man on a big stage.
  • In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.
  • I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
  • So much in L.A. is waiting. It's so irritating. That's what's good about stand-up. You can go away, and you don't have to sit and wait by your phone. But it is very frustrating.
  • I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.
  • I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
  • It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, 'How would you like to be a horrible actor?' Then you say, 'All right, that sounds good. I'll do that.'
  • You can't love your team without hating another team.
  • When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
  • I miss seeing real comics, Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett, those types. I like straight stand-up, talking about the Olympics and why I feel obligated to watch them. 'Why am I watching archery at 4 in the afternoon?'
  • When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
  • I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
  • I don't really like doing big stand-up. Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up. I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
  • I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
  • All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
  • I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
  • Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.