Ron White Quotes

  • We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
  • I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'
  • When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.
  • I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
  • The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
  • I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.
  • I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
  • Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.
  • There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
  • Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
  • I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
  • As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.
  • I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
  • There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
  • The next time you have a thought... let it go.
  • You can't fix stupid.
  • If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.
  • I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.
  • It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.
  • Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
  • Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
  • The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.
  • The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.
  • Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.
  • I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
  • I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.